Laughter is the best medicine OR Are storks really just trying not to pee all the time?

It’s not my age. I had a hysterectomy and my doctor neatly tucked my bladder back up where God put it years ago. It’s my MS. Just another fun little obsticle course that the MS Gods have blessed me with. It’s a daily battle and sometimes it’s so damn funny, it makes me pee….

You have no idea how many times I will be walking through the store with my girls and they will say something that strikes me funny. They don’t even know what I’m chuckling about. So naturally they ask me why I’m laughing… My response is usually… Oh, for crying out loud, don’t look at me! Don’t talk to me! I’m going to pee! I walk along, something tickles me, and I start laughing. Instantly I get the sensation that I am about to tinkle. I cross my legs and lean forward. It’s hard to walk like this. Which is funny! They laugh and ask what my problem is now. Shit, now I can’t walk or talk, I don’t dare move. I stand there, kind of stork like, waiting to ger myself under control. STOP TALKING!!!  Just give me a minute. I take a step, it seems like I have things wrapped nicely up now…SHUT UP!! Oh my goodness, just let me make it to the car.

Another nice little bonus I have, is known as an MS hug. Hugs are nice. Using this word to describe what I experience is a sin. If you say it, you have to Hail Mary or get baptized again or maybe even kill a goat. I don’t know exactly, but I know it’s pretty bad.

Picture a Charley horse that starts just below your boobs. Well, where your boobs used to sit before gravity reared it’s ugly head. Anyway, at your bra line down to your waist. All the way around your middle. From the left side of your belly button to the right side of your belly button. Walking along, all of a sudden you are squeezed, as if Andre the Giant is using a scissor hold on you. It takes your breath and halts you in your tracks. Tears come to your eyes and you hold on to what air you have sucked in, because you don’t dare move. Not much. Movement is your enemy right now. So you stand still and try to breathe without actually expanding your lungs much, that will only compound the issue. That isn’t a ‘hug’, man. A hug is nice. A hug is warm. You hug people you love. This IS NOT a hug. This is something we could utilize in a torture chamber.

Ok, two insane things that I battle quite often. Then the inevitable happens. I get sick. I have pneumonia. Yes. Just a little bit. Just a ‘shadow’ as my cutie patootie Dr. Treece explained to me today.

So, I have been coughing. A lot. Coughing until some smart ass says ‘Hey, was that a piece of your lung’? Original. I’ve had a dry cough then a wet cough. A barking cough, a horrible, hold on to something and cough until you see little stars in front of your eyes. Then the battle really begins.

When I cough I pee, so I have to do that stork-leg thing so I don’t. Coughing also makes your thing, the thing that isn’t a hug, wail in agony. I didn’t realize how many muscles you used to cough. Every one. Every muscle in your torso. So I brace myself, trying to soften the blow to my middle and I figure out I can’t do both. I can’t squeeze my hoo ha and try to tighten my middle muscles at the same time. I don’t know if you can. You should try now……

If you can, more power to you. I cannot. So a decision has to be made. If I’m lucky and I’m at home, I just go to the bathroom. Problem solved. If I’m in public, it’s mortifying. People don’t like coughers anyway. They give you that wrinkled-nose look and if you don’t have any hand sanitizer that you can whip out super freaking quick, they are trying to get the CDC on the phone. When you cough like a TB patient and then do the stork-leg thing not to pee and hold on to your middle with one arm and cover your mouth with the other hand. Well, when you’re done, just flip them the bird. You’ve lost anyway. You might as well get some satisfaction. I’m just staying in the house until I’m well.

This was pretty much my day today. It’s laugh or cry. I’d rather laugh. Laughter is the best medicine, isn’t it? Laughing makes me pee though. I figure that’s a small price to pay to stay somewhat sane. Please. For the love of all that is good and holy. Don’t. Say. Depends. Cut me some slack, huh? It’s been a long day.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Admiration — Say It With A Camera

Without a doubt I have admiration for one of the great landscape photographers, Ansel Easton Adams (February 20, 1902 – April 22, 1984), an American photographer and environmentalist. His black-and-white landscape photographs of the American West, especially Yosemite National Park have inspired me to take photographs of the Snowdonia National Park, here in Wales. I […]

via Weekly Photo Challenge: Admiration — Say It With A Camera

She has a riddle behind that smile

 

Who doesn’t love a fiery little redhead? Eyes green as coke bottle glass, long fingers, long legs, long hair. She is stunning and cunning and ornery and sweet. 

This particular red-head came to me fourteen years ago. She was a surprise. I had my hands full and my heart webbed with cracks. God must have thought I need a diversion. She has provided that, always.

She is fearless and bold. She does the most terrible and amazing things. I don’t know whether to spank her or hug her most of the time. She tickles everyone around her. Sometimes I wonder if she isn’t really an old soul living in that pretty little self. She keeps everyone guessing as to what is coming next. I never know.

Rats, snakes, moles, mice, fish, lizards, newborn kittens and flea bitten dogs with no where to go…all of these have been presents at one time. The worst were the HUGE rat with the broken leg she had shoved into a red solo cup so she could come and show me the poor thing and the Copperhead snake she ran over with her mule, then stuffed in a ziplock bag for me to admire.

She’s hell on boys and she skips around the girls. She lost her best friend and is in no hurry to replace her. That would be disloyal, and she is anything but. There will be a hole there until she chooses to smooth it over and take a chance with someone else. And maybe she never will. It’s her prerogative.  She won’t be rushed or pushed.

I love this little strawberry more than I can ever explain. She grows more wise every day and she is moving up and branching out. Leaving me behind one smile at a time. I will mourn that day when it comes. I am blessed to be able to mourn, I know.

This is my Bellicious. She loves frogs and jumping and cute boys and fishing in the dark, anxiously waiting on what lurks just beneath the boat. She loves her sister and worships her brothers and tolerates the rest of us buzzing around her. She needs room to fly. Get out of her way. Be really quiet and maybe you can sneak along behind her. You’ll have the greatest adventure ever.belle10

Sit here…..

Doesn’t that look like a great spot. It needs a little bench between the two doors. Plenty wide enough to hold me and my little doxie. Some pretty chintz pillows in reds and pinks. A soft throw, maybe in a sweet green.

School is out for summer. It’s all quiet on the lake today, Wednesday’s are always slow. Church tonight, you know. This looks like a fine place to spend my day. It’s going to be hot out, I’m going to need a little fan. I’ll also need that small yellow table to set my Coca-Cola on. Ok, I’m all set. Now……

What do I want to read?  I’ll want something that is familiar, something I can get lost in for a while. The Bobsey Twins? The Boxcar Children? Anna of Green Gables? No….not today. Today I want a good ol’ fashioned who-done-it. While I am enamored of both of those Hardy Boys, I think I’ll go with Nancy Drew. Nancy always finds something that needs a little bit of investigation. That’s just the ticket for me this afternoon. I’m going to lay here and smell the wind off of the lake and listen to the birds, but only for a few pages. It won’t take long before everything around me fades away into nothing.

Ir’s just Nancy and me…..