Some days I wake up with this incredible feeling of doom. It takes me a little while to come back from that. I usually have my coffee and something sweet and crunchy to share with my dogs. I get on social media and quit thinking. It’s not hard. You just start focusing on posts that have no real importance to anyone and all the importance in the world to someone.
I think that this feeling is two-fold. Firstly, I think it is physical. I have two kooky diseases that cause depression. Secondly, I think that my mind holds in so much. When I am asleep, I have no control over what comes out. When I wake up, its like a caul that has to be removed so I can breathe again.
When you are hurt on such a basic, bone-deep level for most of your years, I think it damages a part of you. Although I have healed in so many ways, there are still those wounds. When exposed, the overwhelming sadness comes in waves.
When someone has chronic pain, it lends to a depression all its own. Have you ever had a tooth ache? That on the weekend, have to wait til Monday, deep seeded throbbing ache that makes you sick at your stomach and pissed off at the same time? Nothing helps it. You have squirted a pound and a half of Orajel on it and eaten Tylenol and ibuprofen and searched the medicine cabinet for any left over antibiotic from that last cold you had. Nothing helps. That’s what my legs feel like some days. Or my arms. Or my sides. It’s a constant painful surprise party with no freakin cake. It’s hard to stay positive some days.
Then there are always one of ‘those’ days. The kitchen sink leaked all over the floor I just mopped. Or the dogs jump all over the couch with muddy paws. Or Belle left her room a disaster. The house is a disaster. The laundry is piled up. I got my feelings hurt. Someone let me down. I found out my new friend is an old whore. You know, just the crap of everyday that everyone goes through. It’s no different from the things that you experience, except with me, I have a harder time bouncing back from it.
I have always tried to be positive person. I always look for that silver lining. I just have to look harder some days now. The key for me is to zone out a bit. I immerse myself in something trivial, something that requires no really difficult thinking. Something that keeps my attention but requires no decision-making. Something mundane. Sometimes this doesn’t work. Most days it does.
My camera has become my meditation, if you will. When I am looking through my lens, all that matters is if I’m focused. This takes some extra effort lately, my eyes suck. I am learning lots of little tricks to get around that crack in the sidewalk. Finding those little tricks is an awesome feeling. Accomplishment!!!! What a wonderful word. It’s also something I am proud of. No one else has anything invested in it, it’s all for me. It makes me happy.
I have taken steps to let go of things I can’t control. Good grief!! That is the hardest thing for me to do!! I had no idea I was such a control freak until I lost control. This is a work in progress. If I don’t feel like cooking, there is always a pizza in the freezer. If I don’t feel like doing laundry, I don’t. I hired the most adorable little cleaning girl, she comes every Thursday and saves a bit of my sanity. I started this blog. I have so many drafts that are just sitting there. Some days I get on here and just fall apart. No one wants to see that! So I save it and start again. Purging is awesome.
I woke up today happy. I had my moments a few times but for the most part, it hasn’t been bad. I asked for prayers a few days ago. I have a deep faith in prayer and sometimes I just need to be washed in prayers and good thoughts. So I sat down to tell you what ir’s like being me. Did I scare ya? Snicker I have a good life. I have amazing children and almost children. I have grandchildren to spoil. I have my dogs. A dog in your lap is a very healing thing. I have a sweet husband, good friends and a great view of the lake. And I have you, perpetual reader, that I can vent to. And you always listen, at least I hope you do. If you don’t, I won’t ever know the difference.