Scream a little scream

I haven’t written anything in a while. I get into this downward funk and it’s hard to be creative. It’s actually hard to breath, walk and talk. Creative is Jupiter and I am a stone on the beach. I use the beach as an analogy a lot. It feels right to me. I am standing in the water, enjoying the water and sand on my toes and the next minute I am on my ass. The tide is a wonderous thing. It’s also a scary thing. It’s fun if you can keep your footing, not so much if you are out of breath and upside down and sucking salt water through your mouth and nose. To suddenly feel as if you are drowning is paralyzing.

Being overwhelmed all the time is awful. I don’t want to talk about it all of the time, but I do. I am anxious. I am nervous. I am depressed. I am stressed. Then, I try not to talk about ir, I know it drives everyone crazy. That adds to the stress. So now I’m stressed and I’m making myself more stressed trying to keep my mouth shut. So I go through all of this in my mind and now I’m crazy. Then someone wants to talk about something. Like what’s for supper or world peace or whether the mosquitoes are all gone yet. It makes no difference. That is ALL going to stress me to discuss. I have started saying, ‘I need to quit talking about this now, it’s making me very anxious.’ Then my family looks at me as if I have started bleeding from my eyes. They ask HOW this conversation could be stressing me?! So I try to explain that I don’t KNOW why, it just is. After discussing why or why not I should be upset, stressed, crazy, freaking out, I just want everyone to shut up. Please just quit talking. Shhhhhh. So they apologize and tell me they weren’t trying to make me upset. Then I feel bad. So know I just want to crawl into some place small and have it be silent. The anxiety level at this point is actually palpable. You know in the movie ‘Crazy, Stupid Love’ when they are in the car and Cal just asks her to please quit talking. She doesn’t and he jumps out of the car. That’s my life right now. I’m just hanging onto the car door of life trying not to jump.

I can see you getting bored. I don’t blame you. Being down is a downer. Being crazy isn’t fun for anyone unless there is alcohol involved. The irony here is, for whatever reason, alcohol doesn’t work on me anymore. I have never been one to imbibe on a regular basis, but the occasional beer on a hot night was awesome. I can’t drink beer anymore. It tastes bad. Oh, you dumb non-beer drinkers, I don’t want to hear it always tastes bad, because it doesn’t. Or didn’t… I think I’ve gotten off subject here. My point is, all this poor me, boo hoo. ‘I’m so sad’ crap is exhausting. Let me clarify, it’s exhausting for you. For me, it’s life right now and it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

Heartbreak, divorce, death, disappointment, havoc, chaos. All horrible things. Feeling as if you are about to drop your basket every minute of every day is unbearable. Will this fresh hell ever end??

I am a rainbow finder. I am always looking for the silver lining. Someone always has it worse than you do, so be thankful. I am always grateful. I have pounded this into my children’s’ heads. Ask them what’s the best thing about being mad. Ask them what happens when they complain. I don’t tolerate ‘poor me’s’. Be happy, be grateful, be thankful. (insert thirty minute lecture here). I sincerely just want to be happy and I want you to be happy with me.

And then, suddenly, with no provocation, I’m Morticia Adams. No, she is dark but she is happy. Who am I? Hold on, I have to think a minute.

Listen to something sappy and happy and go get a tea for this special moment in our lives and let me think.

OK!!! I’ve got it!! Mix Baby Jane, Virginia Woolf and Alex Forrest together and throw in a little Sybil. That’s whatcha got right here.

I hate feeling like this. It robs my of my time. I hate wasting time. I don’t enjoy the things I should. I hate that every little thing in the world makes me think I am having a nervous breakdown. I know that sounds melodramatic, it’s not meant to.

I have tried meditation, medication, natural remedies, crying, screaming, sleeping, solitary confinement, pushing through, scary movies, cupcakes, walking, talking, not talking, pounding my fists, and I fervently pray every day for relief. I know there must be a lesson here, God hasn’t brought me to it yet. Of all of the things I live with, the anxiety caused by MS is the worst. Who knew the crazy things that this disease would cause??

I’m not doing well this morning. It’s absolutely beautiful out this morning. I am making potato soup and pecan pie. I bought apples and pumpkins yesterday. I am drinking my pink drink and took my happy medicine. My dogs are in my lap and Kennedy is at home with me. What more could I ask for?? Tranquility. Serenity.  A moment of calm. I hope I have that today.

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