Doubt

I have written a few times about what I’m going through in my life right now. Dealing with my son’s shocking death is overwhelming, at best.

I’m desperately hanging on to the corner of Jesus’s robe, just begging for relief.

I speak of my faith. But something else keeps belly crawling in.

I was going to get ready for bed just now and the devil started in on me. I know it was that liar’s pants that were on fire because I started to doubt.

Not God….. Me. I’m doubting me.

There is something at work in me. God is stirring something up. I don’t know what it is. I haven’t figured it out or He hasn’t told me or I’m not listening or I’m not ready. I don’t KNOW. But I doubt it. Already.

I was in the hospital last week for five days. Things started going hysterically wrong with my body. For those of you that don’t know, I have Multiple Sclerosis. I had a FaceTime appointment with my doctor and I listed the approximately thirty-two ridiculously painful and unnerving symptoms I was having. I cried most of the time. I’ve had this doctor for six years, all through the MS diagnosis and all that followed. He works at the hospital with my husband, so we have a very familiar relationship. As he sat waiting patiently for me to gain some control, I fought for the words to tell him about Kade. He knows Kade, just a nodding acquaintance. Kade has gone with me to so many appointments and stayed at the hospital with me so many times. I find this the hardest thing right now. Telling people. I told him for two reasons, really. He cares and I know that the emotional stress and pain I’ve been in for three months, has most likely contributed, if not caused, this flair I knew I was in.

He reeled back when I told him. Actually leaned back in his chair and put his hand on his chest. He gasped my name and then put his head in his hands. Wheh he recovered, he told me we were doing a direct admit, high dose steroids and an MRI. He asked me if there was anything he could do. Everyone is so kind to ask that and I almost feel guilty when I tell them there’s nothing anyone can do. Except God .

So I’m back home now. And worn out. Being in the hospital will wear you out. I do, indeed, have a new lesion. It’s actively eating the covering on the nerves in my brain. It’s very small, which is good. However, it has caused a lot of trouble. It’s in the right frontal lobe. I named it Kade.

Mourning and being sick has brought me way down. Right now I am not able to do much else but survive. I desperately pray all the time. My mind is just a constant thread of emotional pleading with God. Help me, please. I know the Holy Spirit will intercede and I know God knows my heart. I write prayers down in my journal, mainly because my mind is such a dervish that if I’m just thinking or talking, I get so lost. Even these scribblings are a jumbled mess, but I’m trying.

I know God is working in my life, my family’s lives. I believe that with my soul. It’s what I’m hanging on to. I can’t imagine not believing God in a time like this. It’s the only thing that helps. It’s something I trust. The only thing I trust, my faith.

But a seed of doubt has been planted. I’m trying to root it out. I KNOW better. But I’m vulnerable right now. My heart is weary. I’m so tired. I miss my son so much I can’t see much else. I catch myself just throat deep in ‘can’t’ and ‘won’t evers’. I feel like I’m supposed to start on a road, a venture. When I let myself relax and think about it, my head and heart are so filled with apprehension and uncertainty. It’s another layer of heaviness added to the pall I’m already under.

See, the enemy has watched me. Studied me. Listened to the careless words I’ve spoken. He’s invested in tripping me up. So when I’m tired and so sad it’s like a bitter pill, when I’m homesick for my sweet son…..he starts leaking in a stream of hesitation. The crazy thing is, I KNOW THIS!!! If someone else were to tell me this was happening to them, I would KNOW what to SAY!! I could counsel them about what to do and how to do it. But when it’s you, when you are the vulnerable one, you can sink before you remember you know how to swim.

I’m fighting right now. So many things. I’m more depressed than I’ve ever been. I’m mad, sad, tired. It’s a physical difficulty not to just sit and scream some moments. Or hours. Or days.

I’m also fighting to be better. I’m fighting to see clearly. I’m fighting doubt.

I know that’s what I have to do. And I’m tellin ya, trying to fight for anything right now sometimes leaves me in a ball of tears on the couch. Sometimes I can’t get up. Sometimes I just want to sleep. I was doubting the choice to give in to such horrible sorrow. I found the grace to be able to accept that sometimes I just need to grieve. HOWEVER I need to grieve.

Now I have to find the grace to believe in me. Just writing that down made me cringe. It’s sounds so hokey. So Oprah or Dr Phil. But you see, that’s another lie. That’s what the walking dude wants me to think this is. A bad cliche.

It’s not. It’s a calling to believe what God says about me. It’s funny how the bad things are easier to believe. But I’m going to fight for this. Even when I want to throw a lamp at the wall. Even when I want to pull all my hair out of my head. Even when I think I can’t go on one minute longer. I can, you see. I can because God has firmly planted himself and I am seated next to Him. I am still most likely going to have these doubts, but I have enough faith in my Father, and myself, to erase the doubt and replace it with grace.

Grace: Unmerited favor. Thank God for grace.

Keep us in your prayers. I’m going to finish my coffee and go to bed.


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