I wake up singing songs. Usually songs that I haven’t heard since I was nine.
“A My Name Is Alice” Marie Osmond
“Kiss An Angel Good Morning” Charlie Pride
“Bad, Bad Leroy Brown” Jim Croce
Or sometimes, I mix it up with 80’s country music
Shenandoah or Alabama
It’s a running bit in our house, “Guess what I woke up singing this morning…” 🙄
This morning I woke up at 4:47 singing “You Could Be Happy” by Snow Patrol
WHY? Why? Why am I singing such a horribly sad song?!
I begin telling Ken that I woke up singing this song. I mean, if you know Ken, you know he’s never heard this song. He wonders why it’s making me so sad. I’m crying and trying to tell him what it’s about and how heartbreaking the music is.
The first time I heard this song was when Sarah Bruner was at our house playing music on my laptop. Sarah was at our house so much. From the time we moved in until I moved away. She was there with Kennedy or Kade or Kyler. She was friends with all of them. When I allow myself to reminisce about the three middles and all the kids that flowed in and out of our house, Sarah was there a lot.
I was walking through our living room, most likely picking up crap that the kids had left laying all over the place. I was also most likely throwing a fit about how I didn’t want to pick all this crap up and if they wanted a house full they better start picking their things up and quit leaving glasses in the floor and plates of food shoved under furniture and blah blah blahhhhh.
I heard a song. I asked Sarah what she was listening to. She told me it was Snow Patrol’s new song. I was in love.
I have this thing. Everyone hates this thing. If I find a new song I love, I play it. To death. Over and over and over again. I’ve been known to make a playlist with one song on it fifteen times so I don’t have to hit the repeat button. ￼￼it drives everyone crazy. It is what it is.
I did this with this song. I would get in my Jeep, stop at EZ Mart and get a pop and hit the back roads. Windows down, gravel dust in a wild plume behind me, music up so loud it would rattle the caskets as I went out towards Battle Axe. The smell of the fields, the sight of Anthony Gates’ cunning yellow crop duster diving so low you could feel the heat from the belly of the plane, then climbing back up so quickly it left you dizzy. That’s how i cleared my mind back then. Listening to a song I got hooked on until I not only knew all the words, but the nuances in every note. That’s how I listened to that song.
To be clear, Kade HATED this song. He yelled at me to turn it off, usually in very colorful language, when I played it. It would make him furious when I listened to sad songs. Which is hilarious if you knew how heartbreaking his music usually was. But that didn’t matter. This melancholy music aggravated the heck out of him.
I needed for Ken to hear that song this morning. I wanted him to hear the sadness of it so he’d understand my sadness of it. At least partially. I told him the whole Sarah Bruner thing. Then I sent him the song via YouTube.
And then I noticed another video right under it. It was live and from Royal Albert Hall, which I knew would be beautiful.
I’m going to add the video to this post. Notice the beginning when he says, “This is for you, Mom” then notice the ending, and what he says over and over and over….as if on repeat.
I know God allows Kade to send things to me. Or maybe it’s God sending them to me in Kade’s honor. It doesn’t matter. They come from Heaven with the purpose of bringing comfort to me. There have been so many things in the last nine and a half months, you’ll never convince me otherwise.
I woke up singing this, showing Ken, finding this incredible rendition that spoke right to me. Right to my raw and scattered soul.
I called Kennedy, told her the whole thing and sent her the video.
Then Belly came upstairs and I told her the whole thing and we watched the video together.
I told both of them how I had first heard the song, Sarah playing it and Kade screaming about shutting that depressing music off. I told them that I’d always associated that song with Sarah. We all laughed at the joy that God had given us a glimpse of today. How funny things happen. How God works in our lives and allows others to help as well. Both of the girl’s have significant songs that have been dropped out of the sky for them. Songs that comfort in gut wrenching ways. Sad songs that bring peace and pleasure.
Belle left me here on the front porch. It cooled off last night, so it’s not as rice steamer like out here this morning. I have been watching the squirrels stealing sunflower seeds out of the squirrel-proof bird feeder and thinking about all the signs I’ve gotten from my Father, signs assuring me that the piece of my heart that dwells at His right hand is whole and happy and safe.
My phone rang. It was Belle FaceTimeing from the basement.
“You’re never going to believe who’s birthday it is!! LEWIS BRUNNER!!
Sarah’s sweet brother. He’s up there with Kade.
We got so tickled. Don’t tell me this is all a coincidence. I’m not grasping at straws. I’m marveling at the arms of attention that are surrounding me with solace.
What I do know for sure is, Kade and Lewis are up there plotting ways to interrupt our sadness with gladness. They plotted differently when they were still here. Ways that usually brought tears of frustration. Now they are tears of hope in our season of mourning.
The boys said hi this morning 💙💙