Wading through a birthday

I have begun to try to change my focus on how I look at Nathan Kade Soden ‘s absence.

Today is Kensley’s third birthday party.

My immediate reaction is, “Look what all Kade is missing.”

My intentional reaction is, “He’s watching. He’s here”

Whether God allows our loved ones in Heaven to be a spectator in our lives or we keep everything about them present with us through a purposeful including, Kade is with me today.

I know what his excitement looks like. I know the panic at last minute gift buying and wrapping dilemmas. I know what he’d bring to the mix.

Now, Kade may show up in others ways today. Things that look like supernatural blah blah to you and look like manna from Heaven for me. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, those gifts are for me.

Let me be clear. I had an awful day yesterday. I was nearly manic all day. My emotions were so all over the place. On days like that, I have to figure out how to wade through. What worked last time might not work this time. Actually, nothing might work and I just go to bed and pull the covers over my head. That’s part of the battle, rest.

Nothing can lessen the hurt of my sweet boy’s absence. Nothing makes it ok. There’s no peace in the middle of “He’s gone”. It’s a fire that absolutely cannot be extinguished.

However, I’m trying to learn how to make days like today better. I have found myself missing the joy of someone’s very special day. The kids and grandkids deserve my excitement, my happiness, my peace on these days. They are days to be celebrated.

So this morning as I’m getting ready to go celebrate the miracle of Kensley Grace Lawson Soden, I’m thinking about what Kade might share with me today. It might be birds, because that’s my favorite. It might be a beer bottle cap, cos that’s his. 🙄

This isn’t easy. I’ve had lots of happy days that were terribly unhappy for me to practice on.

I want the rest. I want the serenity of enjoying the day. My sadness if fully in tact. Nothing will be able to fully disassemble my want for my son.

Today, though, I am focusing on the things that make me smile about Kadey. It breaks my heart open, but I’m also able to smile. It’s Kensley’s day and she deserves my full emotional attention.

And remember. This is only today I’m taking about. Grief is an ocean wave that will knock you on your butt and roll you around under the water. Next time, I may not be able to get out of bed.

With my Father’s constant love and grace, I hope I can. I lean on Him. And if I fail miserably, that’s ok. I’m allowed. It’s ok not to be ok.

Pray for our family today as we celebrate. I know that Kade is at Home, looking down and grinning at the mess his niece is becoming. He still thinks she’s the best thing thaf dropped out of Heaven.

Continue to pray for our family daily. We need your constant intercession.

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